Serenity takes work

Today was a tough day and I can't even put my finger on why. I suppose that I wasn't very serene because I didn't really do anything to search for serenity. I think I focused too much on being tired and what I didn't like in my day and it just kept getting worse. I really should've found some time to work on myself today, but I just kept focusing on the negative. Writing this blog is the first real thing that I've done for myself today.

Tomorrow should be a better day since I will find myself on the treadmill working off the stress.

Lord, please help me focus on myself and not worry about Jim and other things that I cannot change. I can only change myself. I can only change my own reactions to those around me. As much as I would like to control all the situations I find myself in, please help me to remember that the only thing I can control is what I DO in the situation. Please help me find some happiness and peace tomorrow. Work through me and help me do your will and know that that is what I'm supposed to be doing, not MY will. Amen

Today is the road to Strength!

I can't seem to get the Christina Agulara song Fighter out of my head. It's my theme to myself. I find so much strength thinking about how alcoholism has made me a stronger person. I could/do hate the disease, but at the same time I would like to thank it because it's going to:

"makes me that much stronger
makes me work a little bit harder
makes me that much wiser
so thanks for making me a FIGHTER

made me learn a little bit faster
makes my skin a little bit thicker
makes me that much smarter
so thanks for making me a FIGHTER"

I'm going to keep taking inspiration from that because really, I have had to grow up, learn and become a stronger more confident version of myself in order to survive this turmoil. I'm also so thankful because it has helped restore my relationship with God who I have always believed in, but haven't had a daily dialogue with in such a long time. I've needed Him and have found Him again and take comfort in the fact that He was always here, it was me who left for awhile.

Dear God, please let me go out into my day today and be an example of your love. Please guide me to make healthy decisions. Please give me kindness, compassion and patience with Jim. Watch over Grandpa and welcome him to your house when you decide it's his time. Please give comfort and peace to my family and take away their troubles. Watch over my children and help me be the best Mom I can. Amen.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

I feel like for the first time in my life I too am taking the road less traveled by. I'm hoping that indeed it will make all the difference. I already am starting to see differences in me and how I'm able to handle things because I believe in myself and more importantly, I believe that even if things don't turn out the way I want them to, they will turn out they way they are supposed to.

God will take care of me and I WILL BE OKAY. When I focus on this, I find a lot of serenity.

God does not make mistakes, humans do, so I will keep trying to turn it over to him. I can't say that I always am liking all the changes that I need to make and there are definite bumps in my "road", but I'm looking forward to the trip and watching the beautiful scenery as it goes by.

Today I'm thankful for my health and will continue to workout and push myself to improve my physical abilities. I really enjoy the conversations I have with myself and God while walking on the treadmill or moving on the elliptical machine. The rhythm of the movement comforts me. I feel positive because I know that what I'm doing is good for me. I find time to reflect and hopefully hear what God has to say to me for that day.

Serenity also came to me today in the form of a clean house. It's not perfectly clean, but it's picked up and put away, which helps me focus on the important things when I need to.

Dear God, please help me to find your serenity tomorrow. Help me to understand that I can't change the world, only myself and the only way that I can do that even is through you and your guidance. Please keep guiding me in the path you've chosen...even if it is less traveled. Keep me confident about what I'm doing. Help me hang onto the hope that is in my heart. Please watch over my family. Open their hearts to your will and your love. Let them know your peace, warmth and love. Be with my friends and their families and bless their lives as they bless my life. Amen.

Focus on the Positive...

Today was a great day for serenity. I did so many positive things to help build my confidence. I worked out for an hour and twenty minutes doing cardio at the gym. This is not something that I ever would've liked doing. I would have thought of it as a chore or a hassle. I now look forward to that time on the treadmill because I know that I'm doing something that makes me feel and look good and is good for me.

I took time to enjoy the sweetness and innocence of my son sleeping in my arms. Oh to be a baby and not worry about whether or not you're loved...you just love because it's what you know how to do. Wouldn't it be great to not have so much knowledge and experience clouding our thoughts and just live a basic life like a child.

My oldest son touched my heart with his sweet smile greeting me as he always does in the morning. And the hugs he gives tell me all I need to know.

I found peace and serenity in my group of friends as we all talked about trust and serenity and what it means to us. I'm comforted by the fact that I'm not alone in not trusting. We all want to do it because when there is trust, there is serenity, but unfortunately we are all human and trust is not something that comes easily to most of us.

I'm thankful that I'm still hanging on. My heart is hurting, but I'm still there hanging on with hope that things will turn around. Until they do turn around I'm going to focus on taking care of myself so that I can be independent and confident.

Thank you Lord for this day and the moments of serenity you gave me. Help me listen to you and YOUR will tomorrow, not mine. Guide me in the right direction and give me patience and strength.